Life is a rollercoaster

A ghost of smile, a lonely tear,
it's been a while, i'm not your dear,
Time passed, i saw no caution,
life recast, got heart at auction.

Love's got a silly mind and gorgeous body,
got an inside too deserted or too crowdy.
Fleeting fame, short-lasting glory..
But proud for life and never saying sorry.

I was...
Sleepless, tired and obssessed,
I was...
owned, consumed, possessed,
I am...
Stronger, smarter, no regrets,
You are...
my ex-love, ex-owner, my sunsets.
Felt that passion beyond reason,
sensed too much truth, no treason,
Saw bliss instead of unavoidable doom..
But I can smile again, can finally bloom.

Haunt of pain is deeply buried now,
voice of sorrow's took its final bow,
heart of ice has turned into an open blossom,
soul of quest has found its curing balsam.

Be my knight, I'll stay close to your sword,
be the light, in sun and starts in accord,
reveal to me pleasures unknown
I won't fight this temptation reborn.

Why do we expect a masterpiece to be so perfect
when it's created only by a man,
Why do we desire love that's worth it
couldn't it all be in vain?
If it was loanable, I'll give it all your love to borrow,
coz without it it's just tears and rain, and pain and sorrow.

A glimpse of happiness would make it's way
Would grow to light barely visible in the grey
Would then with subtle grace become a sunny ray
To blind with its shine at the end of the day:)
Shining bright, shining right...

To close my eyes tonight I'll need such strain
for I may never be awake again..
In the morning another one will take my place,
my old self just couldn't win the race.
It's always hard to outpace time
why would I think the trophy was mine?
I'll fall asleep but first I'll save today
Coz tomorrow she'll forget what I now say.

You pushed me away, as far as I can go,
you left me outside, can't find an open door,
you opened the cage, but put on a chain,
so here I stand - imprisoned in pain.

God, I thought a lot what I could write to you. I came up with different ideas, but they did not seem good enough for a uniqueness like yours:) So I would say just a short quote by a great man, which is simple enough and true enough.."There is flattery in friendship"...I'm flattered to be your friend:) And if being a smartly foolish dreamer is better than being a sceptic..thank you for making me a happy believer :) You can always make the world seem a more beautiful (and sometimes gourgeously funny place:) Thank you, K!
PS: btw it's Shakespeare...

As we are naturally born alone, not physically or emotionally bound to anyone, is that the desired state of being throughour our life? Is there really people who like to share every moment with someone and people who prefer to breathe without anyone else breathing closely.. Or there are just these who are used to the comfort of the serious relationship and these who are not afraid to take the risk to take delight in the 'uncomforatable' searching :) We convince ourselves that we should stay true to the one we love, but what if we miss the true love while struggling to stay true? I do not favor cheating and am at no means refering to it. I'm talking about leaving the safe shelter and heading to another direction, if you feel that's the right thing to do..There may not be someone at the end of that new road, but it will always be you all the way. Being free to make choices..being free to change..even though sometimes we feel like we do not have a choice, we even use this phrase more often than we think. The truth is, we're just stuck. Stuck in the traffic of life, but unlike the street jams, this one gives us a defined place in life and love, which is warm and cosy and permanent and easy to keep..but what if we do not feel ourselves there, if we are not happy? Isn't that like taking a wild animal at home against its will, making a little house for it with all convinieces you may find for an animal, with regular portions of food, with shelter and heat that animal can never enjoy outside..But the outside does not match the inside and you see your animal everyday staying beside the window, looking out there...because it takes for granted what we, humans, have forgotten..if you open the door it will rush out at an instant. It's you who have restrained his choice of being free. It does not even make the choice, because like everyone, is born free. And what about us? If we feel depressed, if we want more, will we rush out the door..I doubt it, this door may stay always open, it stays always open but we think long enough before we make even one step towards it.. And if we gain the courage to go out, we would finally feel that fresh breath of air we needed..and would finally be able to take this unknown rocky road, which we used to see only through the window, and which is somehow so beautiful and pleasant...Enjoy your journey!

I'm feeling kind of dizzy, not completely aware of what's happening around me, as if there is a lag or something..But instead of complaining, I decided to enjoy for a while this feeling. Because I've been tired of always being wide awake, analysing everything as if there are only causal relationships and no invisible powers of destiny.. I even feel ashamed when I say I believe in destiny, you cannot believe something or someone and not trust them. That is, we rarely relax and let the wind of life carry us, instead we act like we are in a statistics class - define variables, analyse variables, find probabilities, analyse them, reach a sensible conclusion and make decision appearing most appropriate taking all these in consideration blah blah. We are so used to this kind of rational and logical and grounded behaviour that we forget our instincts. Even love is an instinct, jealousy as well, and all we do is making completely logical and rational decision about our emotion. Isn't that insane? Have we become so analogical and analythical? Have we lost that animal, basic instinct that ignores the interaction between the emotions and the brain..or have we become so senseless that we need thousand visible, clear reasons to like someone, defined criteria, desirable qualities.. Why do these even mess with the work of the soul? And if we really want, how can we separate mind and emotion and put a line between them? Should we?

Let's take it there, where it all begins,
to pure love, forget all sins,
not take for granted what is blessed,
I walk on stars, by you obsessed.

Waterfalls, a symphony of grace,
drops lost in the mists' holy space.
right through the rainbow I see your face,
bathed in light, leading my true ways.

Just let all your fears fly away,
Release your soul from darkness, let only sacred stay.
And if you feel this love is yours to take,
grab it, and please...tell me I'm awake.
Take my hand and show me where angels live,
for I have to ask them my heart to you to give.

Sacred is the golden dust inside us,
sinful is the dusty gold outside,
and if disastrous is your beauty,
I'd love to suffer, my beautiful disaster.

Cause only when the stars are sleeping,
we can see the moon dreaming,
and only when we're together, silently breathing,
we can hear our hearts speaking...

Can violet's blue ever fade away,
can snow be anything but white,
can change come only if we pray,
can love be visible if out of sight?

Could I stretch my hands beyond the sky to touch the open space?
Could I dive into the deepest ocean to find the holy treasure?
I couldn't, but I wouldn't search for what ain't matter,
since I can close my eyes and see you there.

One sad look and stars will disappear,
one missed smile and clouds rush in,
one bad word, the storm is near,
don't let this hell begin.
Smile:)

Tear the chains of blinding anger,
kill the news, but save the sender..
cause someone needs your pure love and unconditional protection,
for that someone finds a bliss the chance to share their affection.

In land of dreams my love reside,
coming to reality when only by your side,
truth is nothing but words unlabored,
true way is only by true love favored.

I see heaven in your eyes, with all its beauty,
higher than the starts.
You're the universe's finest creature,
the perfection in its true nature.

First night, and I'm still dizzy,
for I felt your love, I had to seize it,
still get goosebumps from the magic of your kissing,
the one that leaves me breathless and I can't help missing..
Second day, I feel already restless,
without your passion and your smile and all so reckless,
who cares if the sun is up when I got light in my heart,
shining more brightly than the world's championship cup:)
Third day, feels like I have been drunk and now I'm sober,
can't see your face, I wish this could be over..
Can't help but wait to get a sign that I still stay on your mind,
coz it's an honor to have your attention, you're just one of a kind.
Fourth day - what goes around, comes around..
Fifth day, have to deal with it, but I don't feel like getting stronger,
your love's my favorite drug and I can't risk to stay away much longer,
the symptoms of this dangerous disease are worsening,
I'm getting insecure and only you can rescue me and be my cure.
Sixth night, my soul despites the struggle and the inner fight,
for my desire won't diminish
until yours among all faces I distinguish,
until you got me close to stay together,
until despite the rain I only see good weather.
Seventh day, recently I really feel that silly..
to believe in something you may never be so truly sure of,
and though fragility may your name be,
seems like the fragile here is me.
Eight day, as if I'm looking at the world with eyes wide shut,
like the motion stays still,
what's wrong, did the nature fall ill?
If you took a look at last night's sky you would see the starts so clear,
like my eyes when you stay near,
I become in instant so transparent,
one look of yours makes all hidden so apparent.

When is the time to give up in a relationship? Is it when we're furious at someone so much we feel we hate him? No. You simply cannot hate someone you loved a while ago. "There's a line between love and hate and I don't mind.." - that's what a song said. Is that line so thin or is it intangible. I think it's just not there, there's not a line, there's a whole universe between these two, the opposite ends of the spectrum. You can only hate someone you never loved. So that kind of unbearable hatred is just that irresistible love. So that's not the point we should give up. If we can say we have such strong feelings as hatred and love for someone, we're not done with him. And if we're not done, we gotta fight...but only if this fight is worth it. Cause sometimes you just 'see the end before it begins' and you feel it's time you surrender or do your best to move on. I was once watching the sea and I saw some waves crush down before they reached the shore, in the open sea. And that's what I thought.. everything was over and there was no point at all to deny it. Because even at the beginning I knew how it would all end up. I could tell which waves will crush out there and which ones will make it to the dry sand. But if I gotta choose, it's better to be that wave that came to the surface and crash down at the middle of its way than staying under the water your whole life. And staying under and even diving deeper is just the way to hide our emotions, because we are afraid..afraid of the open sea, where everything can happen, you don't know when there would be sunshine or storm, or your boat will crush in a rock. Life is just that open sea, and anticipation of the unexpected is its true beauty.

There is a song 'Alone again'..The lyrics goes something like 'alone again..naturally'. So whoever we go out with, whoever we give our heart to, we end up all alone with our heart used and returned. And can this second hand heart be sold and resold and returned forever? Does it eventually wear out? You can give your heart to someone who can tear it to thousand pieces and give it back to you..At first you feel like no one can mend a broken heart, then you start collecting the pieces, there are some missing parts of the puzzle which are stuck to someone's shoes, he carried them away and you can never find them. So you somehow succeed to put everything together and you pray that this time it will stay whole no matter what you go through. You search for that perfect love that will stick the puzzle together and nobody could separate the pieces again. But isn't the heart too hard to put together forever. I think it's one of the puzzles you solve and dissolve over and over and sometimes keep in a box, not touching a thing to give the puzzle a little rest..

That's what a friend of mine just said. In nature, most of the animals can feel a storm coming, in our human life, can we feel a storm coming and how? We expect a fight and we do everything to avoid it and still the more we try to release the safe cushion, the worst the burst out would be. So there are signs, clearly perceivable, highly obvious and we stay with our eyes wide shut, avoiding to take them into account. So what is better, staying blind and hope the storm will pass us, or open our eyes and fight it? I've always been the kind of person who hates arguing and who believes that everything would be fine as long as we don't face the problems, as if they would go by themselves. At a point, I forget about the problem, start being happy again and act normally, and when the other problem occurs, it's harder for me to digest it, to swallow it and to forget about it. Somehow I succeed, until the next one comes. And so on and so on..The times when I said exactly what's on my mind and what bothers me had actually ended as some of the happiest moments when you have fought the storm and you see the sun again. So no matter how hard it is, we should always face the storm, and when we feel it coming, because we're animals after all, take some precautions measures to avoid it or wait for it, get straight into its core and conquer it. Strangely enough, I like walking in the rain and I was never afraid of it, it's always been so refreshing.. So if we try walking in the rain of our relationship, maybe it will be refreshing for both and we would be more happy when we see the sun rising up again:)

Easy to say...easy to do. It's all in our mind which dictates the true ways of the soul. Yeah, I know there are times that you can hardly stop weeping and even the cloudless blue sky looks extremely sad and mournful..but there are also times when you feel that warm and cloudless inside as if your heart is smiling, and that happens no matter how bad the weather is. Because the truth is, the world is perfect as it is, the clouds can be as beautiful as the sun and the storm can be as magnificent as the sunlight. It's just the way we perceive the world around us and this perception is ever shaped by our state of mind and our emotions. Have you tried to take delight in every single bird or tree or every single pair of smiling eyes you pass? We are strange creatures, we got everything we need and still we want it all. We try to find reasons to make us happy all the time. We try to find someone who would be the reason, and when the reason is gone we would be broken-hearted till we find another reason. And in this necklace of pearl reasons, as we go through them, we would find out we are walking in a circle. If we try to think outside the circle, we wouldn't need the pearls, these life-stones to lead our way. Cause our way is already there, and it's not only one. I wanted to believe that there is a single person that we should spend our life with, there is a single profession that is the most suitable for us, a single house that we would never want to deserve...but is there really such a limited scope of choice? If there is, we would know.. If we see someone and it's the only person we've met who made us think he's the one and we had no doubts, ever, than that's it. But it's a pity if we try do BELIEVE he's the one, only to have a reason. When he comes, you'll just know it. That's what they say. What if you don't, what if you have to search for it, to try the option. What if someone you feel an option, turn out to be the only option. Maybe the perfect love is not love at first sight and we have to explore to find the only permanent reason. And still, we don't need it. Everyone is perfect as the world around us and everyone can be happy and share this happiness with the others but never make the others THE REASONS. Never let them be that necklace around you neck cause they may loosen it and let you be happy or tighten it and suffocate you. A woman in a movie said "What's love? Love is the weather being good every day, because wind and rain are just another kind of a good weather".

Different… what if everything was different? What if at least he was? We are so stuffed with the repetition of the ‘simple truth’ that we love someone for who they are and even if they were different we would not love them, but is that really so? It’s banal for sure, but is that the truth? What if you see someone changes, even he changes for bad and you are still in love with him? You ask yourself where is that cute gentlemen who walked with me in the park and gave me a tiny present for a tiny occasion, who wanted to make a 100 pictures of me, cause I was beautiful. I am the same, I am still supposed to be beautiful , the park is still there, but all this is gone. And it is gone, cause no matter what everyone says, people change..Now he is not so romantic anymore and we rarely go the park but I still love him. However, according to that ‘law’ above, I should go out of love because this is not the same person anymore. And if I try to change him, if I try to make him a kinder person again, everyone will say this would not be him anymore..Bur what’s actually ‘different’? Is that a state of mind, is that the actions themselves, is that the way he loves you and looks at you? Or is that simply a matter of occasion. A friend of mine said..people do not change, they just react differently in the different situation. So perhaps the situations are different, the factors are too many..Maybe we are all different all the time. It is like having a multiple personality. I read a book, fiction, about a woman with 92 ‘selves’, but my point is, what if this is not just fiction? Haven’t you though that someone acts like he/she has a mental disease, acting like two completely different people in two different situations? Aren’t we all suffering from that mental disease? I can write an angry message, I can act like I hate him, I can really believe I do, and a few hours later I am deeply and happily in love with him again. What the hell has happened in only a few hours that can make such a difference? Well, sometimes, it’s nothing. I just change my mind. And though I am sure I am normal enough and there are people who feel the same way too, or I’m sure that’s what love does to people, there seem to be many who can perfectly handle it, who can erase someone from the their lives and not see him/her again. Do they have that magical rubber, or they just have less ‘selves’? Or even just one..self. Haven’t you sometimes felt so certain about something as if you have only one self. It’s the thing that matters, it’s the person that matters, it’s how hard making that choice is for you. And still, there are these individuals who follow their decision all the way, not looking back for a second, not thinking it over, not giving the voice of these other selves. I’ve always admired that…determination in people. But when it comes to love, does everything has to be so final? Is it better for us to once put an end to it all or is it better to have that secret hope deep there to keep the hidden selves alive? If we isolate all the voices we consider wrong, won’t we isolate an option…an opportunity, won’t we isolate the hope? In the decision making process the first thing to do is to consider all the options, but actually what we do is get angry, pick the loudest voice and stick to it with all means. If it’s easy, we’ve done the right choice. If it’s hard, than we should probably get tired of burying and fighting all the other voices, and get confused again. So what’s the right one than? Can anybody tell for sure.. And what about out perception of the world around, about every single situation and every single word? Everybody interprets it differently, and here is it, the word we began with. So a decision affecting two people would always be different for both of them. There is no one right mutual decision. Let’s fall In love, let’s separate, or things like ‘we agreed to stay separated cause it’s better for both of us’. Oh come on, this can never happen..Eventually, it may be better, but usually it’s better only for the one who in fact took that decision. So what we do is making decision for our own and making the other accept or reject them. There is not such thing as a mutual decision, that’s even more fiction than the 92 selves. The question is: What’s the decision that’s most beneficial for both parties? In business there may be such, in love, and life, there is not. One of us steps back, and the other one is the winner…